I bit my lip. I squirmed uncomfortably. I sighed. I knew no one else sitting in the chairs knew what my heart was feeling. But I did, and therefore I wanted to run and hide in a hole from the truth in my heart. What made me feel violently compelled to shrink away from my own soul? Perhaps it was what the speaker spoke. He spoke it with passion. “Our identity comes from being involved in our community and from good Christian relationships with other brothers and sisters!” In the back of my mind I was thinking, “Wait a sec, that doesn’t sound right…” and in the front of my mind I was thinking, “You need to be more involved in people and your church, girl!” When the last hymn was sung I bolted from the room in pursuit of my mother, who had left early because my little brother Joshua was getting fussy during the session. He lasted an hour without moving, but babies will be babies, I suppose. As I walked out of the building into the biting, bitter January bluster, I held my gloved hands up to my face to warm my freezing cheeks. “Was the speaker right?” I wondered. “Is it wrong to not be in a current friendship or deep relationship with another believer?”
That was the first of my always revolving thoughts. It haunted me awhile, and everywhere I went it always seemed like every speaker and pastor put such a HUGE emphasis on the Christian “community.” I’m not anti-social, but I’m in a season right now where it’s hard to get plugged in with a bunch of Christian peeps. I feel condemned very often for not being in a circle with lots of Christian familiars.
I’ve been working hard lately. High school is so overrated, for all you elementary and middle-schoolers who dream of high school. It’s not what Disney makes it out to be, trust me. Algebra, Geometry, Biology tests, essays, reports. It’s a lotta hard work, no kidding (my favorite subject, however, is probably literature…I’m in the process of reading the beautiful novel from eighteenth century England: Pride and Prejudice – it’s got to be my favorite read this year and one of my new all-time favorite books). Anywaaayyyyy, back on topic. I’m a busy girl. Plus, I’m an athletic girl. This spring is my first hunter jumper show season, so I’m getting cooking with my beautiful equestrian sport. I’m getting all set to work with my Dad in his logistics company, and I’ve got SAT’s this summer. *Exhaling for a brief moment.* It’s been so hard to get anything else done, and I’ve been trying to write this post for a while! I barely had time today!
In a nutshell, The Lord’s got me in a season right now (click HERE for a post about seasons) where it’s simply impossible to have some friends. But, whenever I got to church or hear a message on the radio, etc., I feel condemned for not being apart of relationships with other believers.
Christian friends are beautiful friends. I’m not against having friends. I wouldn’t mind some friends about now, trust me. But I’ve learned to let friends come into my path, not go out seeking them. I’ve learned to let them come to me. Let God lead them into my life. If He wants me to have a Sam Gamgee, then he’ll give me one. But for now, I’m without friends…or am I?
The truth suddenly dawned on me when I left the building into that biting, bitter January bluster. I had had it up to here, as my Ma would say, and I couldn’t tolerate that sinking feeling anymore. God knew that, and that’s why he gave me this thought: “Sometimes people are so concerned about the community outside of the house that they forget to see the community already in the house.” My heart leaped and I’m sure if my chest wasn’t there to push it down it would’ve soared beyond the moon. I turned to my mother, and told her of my newfound revelation and she rejoiced with me.
I had it.
The community given to us is the community we must serve.
The community God has given me at present is not a community outside my home. My community is my family. My Mum (lol, Ma), my Dad, my sister and my brothers. They are my friends. Friends that can never be taken away or friends whose ties can never be severed.
What is so often missed is the community you are born into; the community of the family. If anyone can understand you more than you understand yourself, it is your mother who has already walked in your footsteps. If anyone can make you laugh harder than you ever believed you could, it’s your Father and your little brothers. If anyone with whom you can talk about handsome male persons of your liking and not feel ashamed, it’s your mother and your sister.
My duty is to Christ, my family, to the people whom I love (and that’s a lotta people!). I love them more than I could any friend or acquaintance. I share more with them than I would any other familiar or colleague in this world. They mean more to me than a thousand horses or a million dollars. I do believe I would die for them.
My dear friends, look to your family. They were the first friends that the good Lord ever gave you. The first person you ever locked eyes with was probably your father or mother.
Families are so often overlooked, and yet they were the first system God ever created in human nature. My family has become precious to me more than ever and through God’s teaching and lessons, I have not want for any friends. God has been my shepherd and I am no longer in constant want. Let God bring them if he may, but for now I am content.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
– Psalm 23
What better friends could a girl ask for? Amen.
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you guys how to pronounce Namárië. It’s Nah-marr-eeey-eh. Thanks guys. I’m a big Tolkien junkie…love ya
4 thoughts on “I Shall Not Want”
Your post is absolutely beautiful little mama. Your feelings are normal and I often would feel that way too. You’re young and friends will certainly enter your life throughout the years. However, I think you figured it out. . . the community you felt you lacked, was right under your nose! You have the best community right beside you babe. We may be miles apart, but we will always be there for you, as family and friends. Have a wonderful night and remarkable writing, super impressed! xoxo
Oh, Tina! Thank you so muchy much for your encouraging comment! I miss you a whole lot, but like you said, even though we’re miles apart we’re still always there for each other and always will be. I love u Tina and I hope we can see each other soon! You guys all are the best community a girl could ever ask 4! Muah :*!
Cousin Emmy 😉
My sweet Emmy! Your heart and soul are heavenly gold!! I absolutely love you and your post warms my mama heart. You’re a treasure straight from Christ himself to us! Yes, our crazy journey has created best friends in us. Hearts strung together by Christ’s love. You keep living and walking with Christ as He leads you. We please God not man! You got it kiddo, the Lord will give and remove, but the awesome part of being His people — where we are, what we are doing is exactly where we are supposed to be and who we are to be with. God makes no mistakes! Seasons are good, they make us. The Lord has given you wisdom, you teach me much! 😉😘 I love you!
Thank ya, Ma! Your words encourage me so much! You and the rest of our crazee peeps are my bestest friends! I love you all so much and can’t wait 4 us to go on future adventures together! I love u, Ma! :*!!