A Jotun’s Heart

Good afternoon, friends.

I’ve had such a lackadaisical week that it’s almost funny. I had two college classes start, but I took those bulls by their horns and finished up the assignments so that Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday would be completely free of homework. I’ve been watching Marvel movies with my parents practically every night, I went to see Infinity War with my friend Katie again on Thursday, read King Henry IV and The Secret Garden all day Friday, hiked up over a thousand thousand feet yesterday, and went to church and ate a donut today. It’s been so much fun.

And then don’t even mention tomorrow. I have big plans for tomorrow, not including the barbecued food, bike trip, honoring of fallen soldiers. The Lord has truly blessed me with a laughter-filled, fun week, and I’m so grateful for the time I’ve had and the memories I’ve made.

Anyway, towards the end of last night, I poured myself a hot cup of tea and sat down to keep writing my book, which, by the way, is 49 pages and 15,151 words in the making. I’ve felt, ever since winter 2017-2018 that Christ was calling me to get this story published, so I’ve been at work on it since then. Through my story, I want to show my readers allegorical Christian truths, valor, and strength. I know that this is my calling, and I was heartily embracing it. In fact, I have been.

However, on this particular night, I was beginning to feel warped. If you know what I mean, I began to feel doubtful. My purpose was almost insignificant. The hideous fingers of insignificance were prodding and poking away at my heart. I started believing that my life was starting to lose its meaning, and I felt as though everything I ever did was insignificant and unimportant. How could writing a book ever be a God-given purpose? How could I ever preach the gospel with that kind of vocation?

So, I did what most people do when things don’t work out. I freaked out.

Okay, so that’s not what I did, but that’s what my insides did.

It was a matter of proof, in my opinion. I had to prove myself to my King, because I honestly believed that what I was doing in my life was not what I was supposed to be doing. I had no idea when, why, or how this lie started creeping in, but it did. I won’t deny that. I did not feel worthy to be called His daughter, and I needed to start doing more to feel worthy.

I guess you can say I was acting like a bit of a sore loser and acting a bit like a certain god of mischief that everyone knows quite well.

You probably shouldn’t read this section if you’re a Marvel geek and haven’t seen the Thor films. If you don’t care about Marvel and haven’t seen the Thor films, then by all means, read the rest. Just looking out for spoiler alerts :).

When Loki found out that he was not really the son of King Odin, he sort of freaked out (like I did) and decided that he had to prove himself to feel worthy. When Thor (Asgard’s future king and Loki’s adopted and “supposedly” elder brother) was banished, Odin fell asleep for like six months, and Loki decided that it was an opportunity to assume the throne, destroy some frost giants, and bring peace to Asgard. After lying to Thor’s face and telling him Odin was dead, Loki went on to kill the king of the Jotunheim (frost giants), who was his biological father. Long story short, Thor came back to Asgard and defeated Loki – Loki died. But, oddly enough, Loki came back, tried to take over earth, didn’t succeed, was put in jail, helped Thor rescue a mortal to get himself out of prison, died saving Thor’s life, came back again, stole the throne again, saved Asgard from the goddess of death, and ultimately died (again) saving Thor’s life (again) at the hands of Thanos (which I do not in anyway think that that means he won’t “come back again”).

So, this morning, after a long and heart-wrenching prayer, I heard my heart utter the words “I want to be worthy of your love, Jesus.” Then, after a sharp realization, I heard another voice say “I will prove to father that I am a worthy son.”

I’ve heard the verses, the stories, and the truth. I know that I am saved only by grace. Nothing on my part could ever make me “worthy” of Christ’s love. I understood something that Loki did not. My Father loves me regardless of who I believe myself to be. I am a sinner; Loki was a Jotun (those are pretty much the same thing xD ). Yet Christ, like Odin for Loki, set aside my true nature and loves me for who I am: His adopted daughter.

I never have to prove that I am a “worthy” daughter, or that I am good enough to enter heaven. I have been chosen not because of how good and how worthy I am, but because of the unending grace and reckless love Jesus has for me. He has put in me my talent to write beautiful stories and read beautiful stories, and He has plans for me down that road. I can never prove myself, and I never have to.

In fact, by trying to prove myself to Christ, I’m simply proving myself to myself. He is already proud and pleased with me. Proving myself to Him is another way of proving myself just so my heart feels good. And that would be seeking my own approval, not the approval of Christ.

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Galatians 1:10

His love has already ushered me into heaven, and that is all He ever wants of me. I’m done pleasing myself, because that probably will never happen. God is the only one who can ever be pleased and contently pleased. My heart is full of laughter, joy, and peace knowing that there’s nothing I can ever do that would separate me from that unending love.

I guess having a Jotun’s heart isn’t such a great idea.

NOW! Before I end, let’s get something straight. I’m not in any way saying that Odin had unending grace and reckless love for Loki, because he did not. He actually favored Thor big time, so, that was messed up. But, Jesus doesn’t, so that’s what matters. 🙂 Ok, glad that was cleared up.

Gotta run! Catch you all later…

Auf Wiedersehen!

Emily 🙂

P.S. I’ve been thinking about getting my cosplay on for the next Avengers film…what do you guys think? I’m either going for a Female Captain America spin off, Captain Marvel, Black Widow, or Okoye/Shuri. Not sure where I’m going with this one yet, but I definitely plan to get a costume going. Hopefully construction can start this summer so I have PLENTY of time for next spring’s movies. I’m hoping to do this for Captain Marvel’s movie and Infinity War Part Two.

P.P.S. The winner of last post’s poll was Spidey.

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