Sometimes things start to catch up to you.
Reality becomes more real, and sometimes it seems that things you just can’t stop are racing toward you with the speed of a European bullet train. You don’t want to be there yet, but here it is. You run, but you realize you’ll be outrun. You fight, but you realize it’s too strong. You procrastinate and hesitate, but it’s still there.
It never left.
It never stopped.
But then you realize that it’s not even here yet. You feel like you’re still staring it in the face, but in reality, the reality you thought you were living in, the truth is that it hasn’t even come. You find yourself looking at something that’s really a million miles away. You tell yourself that “it’s always good to be prepared,” and it is, but not like this.
That’s been me the past few weeks.
I’ve been sick with the flu, not the past few weeks, but the past few days. In a nut shell, I’ve had time. Time. I honestly hate that word after this week. I’ve had too much time, and that’s the problem. Time has driven me up the wall. The mornings are my best times. Worship happens, breakfast happens, and work happens. The afternoon is beautiful, too. School happens (well, online college school). And then the afternoon becomes evening, and I find myself in bed sitting. Just sitting and blowing my nose occasionally, coughing up something disgusting into a tissue (sorry not sorry for the visual) or something like that.
And then I get to thinking.
What about? I ask.
How about college?
Alright, that sounds good. Think about the future.
So, I started thinking about college. And I realized that in a few months, I’ll be a full time college student. I suppose I already am, but I mean, taking residential college courses. Going into the world and living in it as a young woman.
I honestly do not care if the next portion sounds childish, but I began to think about how much I’ll miss my mother. My father. My sister Allison and my brothers John and Joshua. I love my family, they make me me. I’ll miss slapping Allison’s knee every time she cracks a joke or makes me laugh. I’ll miss seeing my little brothers’ faces every time they jump on me after I’ve been gone for an hour. I’ll miss the constant, beautiful, and uplifting conversations with my lovely parents. I cannot go a day thanking God for how deeply He has rooted me in my family.
And, I’ll miss my beautiful friend, Katie, who loves to obsess over stories and beautiful music with me. Our talks about Marvel, Ravi Zacharias, and film score. You rock, Doyle Jr 😉 . You gave me those contagious Hiddles, and I will have my vengeance 😛
It started taking over me, and I wondered how much longer I had before it came. The tears, of course, and the emotion.
Then I felt almost like the breath of God washing over me. “It’s not time.”
And want to know something?
Not today, not tomorrow, and not next week. Will the day come when I venture off into the world? You bet. Will the day come when I meet a man who will become my husband? Absolutely.
In the words of Aragorn, “It is not this day.”
This day, I will fight.
Take today for what it is. A wise person once said,
Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Not just any wise person, but Jesus. The one who saved the world by dying a torturous death on a splintered wooden cross. Why? Oh right, for my bloody wicked self. For what purpose? For love, He says. Love for me. And that love so drives me every day, and it does not demand me to look into tomorrow and decide what will happen then.
It drives me for today.
My friends, life is beautiful. It is not to be lived looking into the future at what cannot be known. All that can be known is now. This moment. How can I choose to live in another world where all I think about are the worries and concerns of the future? How can I, especially when now is so beautiful?
In fact, I think it’s too beautiful to think about what happens next.
So, my friends, I bid you all adieu. Remember that this moment is given to us by God. That breath, yes, that very one that you just drew, was breathed into your nostrils by Christ above. Don’t let it be spent worrying about things that He’s already figured out.
So, maybe this post was a little short, but it’s eleven o’clock at night, and I have work tomorrow morning, so there! But, I’m not thinking about tomorrow morning. I’m thinking about turning off this computer and traveling to dream land.
Before I go, let me say this: life is too beautiful to be ignored. Let us laugh. Let us live life in celebration of the One who gave it to us.
Emily B 🙂