Hello, my lovely friends.
So, I realize that I haven’t written since November. And that really and truly makes me very sad. It has been quite the month, and so much has happened since I last wrote.
But, my dear readers, you mustn’t chide me for my inactivity on this blog. I’ve been writing my fanfiction, studying for exams, and planning my schedule for spring. As soon as break was here, I still had so many holiday preparations and my blog was left in the dust. I had so many posts planned, but when I finally settled in to write them, I was just so exhausted.
Hence my absence for the last month.
But December was beautiful, and so many beautiful things happened. I finished the fall semester with a 4.0 (yeet!), spent time reflecting as Advent drew to a close, saw The Rise of Skywalker (I won’t even talk about HOW MUCH I loved it), ate far too many tasty sweets and things, and cried over how good Jesus is.
And on Christmas night, I had something of a revelation. I was up late putting away my newly acquired treasures (which included three new editions to my Sherlock funko collection – more on that later) when my mother came into my room.
And I kind of started crying.
Christmas marked the first day that I was really and truly able to breathe. To laugh. To sleep. And to pray in a response to the sheer joy I was feeling.
For the last five months, I had been studying, reading, testing, and a lot of the days at school felt like a battle. I love my classmates and my professors dearly, but after five months of hearing curse words inserted into routine conversations and crude allusions to sex made during casual discussions, I was beginning to feel exhausted. Not everyone is exactly friendly toward that one Austen-loving Tolkien-reading Sherlock fanfic-writing Christian girl who just wants to start a discussion in class (which is what I do…and it’s what lit students are supposed to do).
Most people on the outside looking in would consider these to be a stupid reasons for exhaustion. No one seems to think these things have any significance. I’ve heard every rebuttal: “profanity relieves stress and expresses your emotions accurately” and “sex is nothing to keep quiet about.” Well, I’m afraid I see it quite differently.
And being overly-enthusiastic about my field is something for which I feel I shouldn’t be apologetic. I’m studying English literature because I love it.
No one knows this (unless it comes up), but I’m seventeen years old and a junior at university. My classmates are almost always over nineteen. Literary criticism class is quite often about either gender dysphoria and queer theory (there’s a joke about English Lit majors around campus: if they write a paper arguing that Emily Dickinson was a lesbian, they get an automatic A…ouch).
That’s not to say I don’t love being a Lit major at Boise State. I’ve read some of the most wonderful stories and had some of the most meaningful discussions with my professors (who I love so very dearly). I’ve read and written on Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Faulkner’s fascinating short story “A Rose for Emily,” Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina (which is both sad, laughable, and hilariously clever), Christopher Marlowe’s The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus (which I wrote about on the blog HERE), reread Lewis’s The Great Divorce, and so many other beautiful stories. And I have loved knowing other students who read, love what they read, and get excited for literature like I do.
I’ve loved every moment of it.
And it was worth every hard day. The knowledge I’ve acquired, the relationships I’ve made, and the stories I’ve read have been so worth every tough moment. I’m so grateful for my semester at Boise State.
But as I sat there on my bed with my mother on Christmas night, crying in her arms, I blurted out how hard it had been and how tired I was of everything, and how badly I didn’t want my holiday to end. I told her that I felt just like Bilbo Baggins: “thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”
And over the next few days of prayer and digging into the Scriptures, the Lord revealed to me what 2020 was going to be: a year in which I let go of worries, learn how to stay calm, and accept not always being in control.
And then I decided to do something that I would have previously considered madness: I dropped my classes for the spring semester and decided to put school on pause.
It was nonconforming, different from anything I have ever decided before. I’ve completely let go. This, I feel, is my first step toward learning how to let go and put my faith in Christ. This is what 2020 will be, and I am ready for it.
Why do I do anything anyway? If I take one semester off of school to dwell on God’s goodness, immerse myself deeper into the beauty of church traditions and holidays (*winks at Maribeth*), dive deeper into my German (*sehr gut, Fraulein!*), and focus on my writing, will I have glorified God?
And the answer to that is yes.
Just as if I had gone to school this semester, I would have glorified God in that as well. Because at the end of the day, to quote the Westminster Shorter Catechism:
What is the chief end of man?
Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.
And this is what I set out to do in 2020. This is my New Years Resolution: to glorify God and enjoy him forever. This is my life’s purpose, and whether or not I graduate with my bachelors at nineteen or twenty, I will have glorified God through my patience, my willingness to give up control, and my heart that desires to enjoy my God and love him fully.
As it says in Ecclesiastes (which I will be spending time reading and writing about in the weeks to come):
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they life; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil – this is God’s gift to man.
Notice he says to “take pleasure in all his toil.” I shall take pleasure in my toil; in the work and the task that God has set before me. He has called me to write, to rest, and to take a breath so that I may return into the fallen world ready to point others toward His goodness.
This is my task, and I shall take pleasure in it. For as Ecclesiastes says: this is God’s gift to me. What are you toiling towards in 2020? I pray for all of you, my faithful readers, and I look forward to what 2020 has for us all.
Oh, and real quick.
Let me just say that The Rise of Skywalker is definitely getting a review post on this blog. I loved this movie. So. So. Much. I really don’t understand why people hated on it so hard, because in my opinion, it was the greatest ending to the new trilogy. Ben Solo. That’s all I’m going to say. Just “Ben Solo.” My son Ben. My son deserved so much better. *cries in a corner*
This scene…oh I lost it. I cried so much. *goes back into the corner to cry*
Oh, and also real quick.
Remember that Sherlock funko collection I mentioned earlier? It grew. It grew a lot. And Mycroft is definitely the sassiest.
I can’t believe I own these little babieeees. It makes my heart glow. Thank you sweet Jesus for Funko Pops. And no, I did not pay the whole $80 for a John Watson Funko Pop. I had a gift card and used it to buy him for $35 on eBay. He’s vaulted, he’s rare, but I got him for $35 on ebay. Run to eBay, my Sherlockians! Go while you still can!
And also: Doctor Who.
Unpopular Doctor Who opinion: Eleven is the best doctor.
Don’t tell me he’s not because he just is. Look at him. Look at that face!
and the bowtie.
Okay, David Tennant is great, but Matt Smith. Matt Smith, though. My lil baby giraffe. I honestly doubt there’s anyone who loves the Eleventh doctor more than I do. I really do. Comment below.
And then Amy and Roryyyyy. Rory is the most precious person, and he deserves so much better. He’s a wonderful little soul, and I would go to the ends of the earth for Rory Williams.
I realize I’m coming to the fandom late, but hey. Let me just say I was screaming all throughout “Victory of the Daleks” and “The Time of Angels” and “Flesh and Stone.” Don’t even get me started on “Amy’s Choice.” Toby Jones strikes again.
Anyways, my friends: I’m heading into 2020 with excitement in my heart. I’ve had an eye-opening revelation about rest, and I’m prepared to let go, get scared, and fly through the fire with my eyes closed. I have a God behind me who wants me to slow down, and if I know anything from the last nearly twelve years of walking with him, “slow down” is another way of him saying he’s about to do something marvelous.
I guess we’ll have to just wait and see what that is.
I love you all! Ooh, and for those of you following my fanfiction, I have another chapter on the way! Stay tuned.